I’d like to say something really nice to you today.
Large graffiti of the words “you are beautiful” on the side of a brick building. Photo credit: Payson Wick (via Unsplash)
This story starts last year, when something happened on Facebook that punctured a little hole in my heart.
An acquaintance wrote a post that said something like:
I have a lot of love to give today. Leave a comment here, and I’ll give you a genuine compliment.
Oof! The gift of this, the generosity. Right away I knew I wanted one. But I also didn’t want to ask. So, very quickly, before talking myself out of it, I left a comment, and waited.
And waited.
Days passed. Nothing came.
Friends — I read into it.
Even though I knew it probably didn’t mean anything. Even though asking for a compliment is nothing like ordering a pizza. Even though the adult in me knew I should let it go.
Still, I swooshed down a little mental water slide of unworthiness, and let myself float there for far too long.
Yes, this is petty. But it’s also true.
Fast forward to July of this year, I was running my new workshop about belonging. Each week, the participants (including me) committed to a tiny social experiment to invite more connection in. Scanning the options at the end of the first class, I remembered the Facebook post and felt the little wound it left.
Right away, I knew. My homework would be to offer compliments on my Facebook feed, to everyone who wanted.
“Compliment” comes from the Latin complēre, which means “to complete.”
This is sometimes read as “completing a social obligation” (barf) but it is also read as “completing someone’s sense of self.” When we’re complimented, we see ourselves in a more complete way, more whole.
This definition slows me right down.
I don’t need to tell you that we are all terribly hard on ourselves. I see it in my job more than most. I started to think that maybe compliments could be little bridges we can offer each other, back to a completeness we can’t find on our own. Maybe they can be tiny pick-axes to the walls we build up when we’re hurt — tools to inch back the gnawing of self-doubt, and offer each other a bigger view of who we can be.
Words can do that! What a wonder.
My post caught fire right away.
People loved asking me for compliments, and it turns out that I loved giving them. I started to see them as so much more than simple affirmation. They were tiny praise poems to the beauty in each soul, minuscule public post cards from my heart to theirs.
I could feel the gift of complēre in each one — it made me feel complete to write them. The bridge ran both ways.
Who wants to get nerdy? There’s tons of science here.
Researchers in Japan have shown that receiving a compliment lights up the striatum, the same part of the brain that lights up when we receive money.
Elsewhere in Japan, researchers showed that motor skills get sharper after receiving a compliment.
Back in the US, social scientists have shown that we vastly underestimate how good others will feel when they receive compliments.
Here’s a social experiment for us.
Let’s all try to give a compliment a day for the next week. It can be in person, or text, or social media (if you use it), or any other way.
If you’re coming to our bonfire this Saturday, bring your compliment skills! We’ve created bingo cards to help spark new conversations, and one of the squares will be “Find someone to give a compliment to.”
Part of me wanted to make a bonfire compliment booth, but I tend to go too far with things, and I think this might be one of them… but if you love this idea and would work that booth, let me know and maybe we’ll do one next time.
I love so many things that words can do.
Stories and jokes and lists and napkin poems and bathroom wall graffiti and love letters. But if they were all in a pageant today, compliments would get the most sparkly tiara.
Want to be in the magic of words with us this fall? Read on…
Join us for a small group workshop this autumn.
We spaces left in these 4 beauties:
Romantasy on Wednesday evenings with Kim or Mari
Focus and Flow on Monday mornings with Britt
Joy Ride on Tuesday mornings with Kim
Writing Towards the Body on a Sunday in November (BIPOC only) with Asifa
Community Bonfire coming up!
Come gather to roast a marshmallow, make a friend, or just enjoy the smell of wood smoke in the city.
Saturday, September 13th, 7-8:30pm-ish at Withrow Park in Toronto. Free and accessible. We welcome volunteers.
And soon after that — our BIPOC Open Mic Night.
This is our fifth annual online open mic night exclusively for Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour. It will be hosted by Kim, Mari, and Asifa on September 25th.
Free, and on Zoom.
And, a poem.
The simple and clear beauty of this poem by Kyla Jamieson wakes me up every time.
One of my favourite definitions of creativity is this: “To make something more beautiful than it needs to be.”
The original source for this is unknown, lots of people have quoted it (I heard it from Elizabeth Gilbert).
Isn’t this exactly what a compliment is? To make a day more beautiful than it needs to be. To make an interaction. To complete it, with care and attention. I want to live more and more in that place.
Wishing you kind words and completeness this week,
